Vacation- Part It’s OVER already, stop being lazy and think of a new title

We’re home!  Everyone survived!  Some people return from vacations feeling refreshed, or rested.  I feel a sense of accomplishment and relief.  We made it!  Someday vacations may be relaxing, but that time is NOT NOW.

I am back on my own computer!  That does not count down the minutes I am using like a bomb preparing to detonate!  I may go on a wild binge and write a HUGE POST, just because I can.  I will try not to break the Internet, but I make no promises, because I’m going to type a lot of words.  I’m not exactly sure how big the World Wide Web is, but hopefully it will be able to hold them all.

Dear Jennifer,

     Is it possible to change the poopy diaper of a large three-year-old (that should have been potty trained ages ago) in an airplane bathroom that is the approximate square footage of a postage stamp?

                                                                        Signed,  Just Curious

Dear Curious,

     No.  It is definitely not possible.  But I had to manage it anyway, as I noticed the other passengers stealing furtive glances at the instructions for the emergency exit.  And as Gregory and I plummeted towards the ground, all I would be able to think is “Fellow travelers, I don’t blame you one bit for pushing us out, because those diapers STINK when not contained in a stuffy airline cabin.”

                                                                 Sincerely,  Jennifer

Dear Twins,

     If you do not potty train soon, I am donating you to a petting zoo.  The zoo will politely decline, so I will be forced to tie you to a fence and hightail it on out of there.  You know that I know that you know how to use the potty, but that you would rather play/wrestle/stare at a blank wall rather than do so.  Now I don’t always feel like walking all the way to a toilet either but even total laziness must have limits.  Cats spend 93% of their lives napping and even they use a litter box.  So ENOUGH WITH THE DIAPERS ALREADY.

                                                                Love, Mommy

 

After the plane landed, we had to herd the kids through customs.  Our official was very tall, and burly, and intimidating in his uniform, complete with stern expression.  And did I mention tall.  A hulking mass of disapproving government security!  He probably immobilizes his prey with a cool glance, before crushing them with a flick of his pinkie finger.  I gingerly handed him a pile of passports and attempted to count little heads as they darted about in front of me.  I was trying to remember exactly how many children I had when a gruff voice barked “WHERE IN NEW YORK.”

Where in New York what?!  Where in New York do I peddle my drugs?  Where in New York do I hand out illegal firearms?  Where in New York do I sell poor quality Gucce and Rollex watches?  What?!  Tell me before you arrest me and cart me off to the slammer!  Or crush me with your pinkie!  Are the lawyers on the cover of the phone book any good?  As I stammer “uh…umm…” it dawns on me that my passport includes my place of birth.  My mind is paralyzed as I try to remember where I was born.  I blink at him for a full fifteen seconds before squeaking “Um…Long Island?”  I’m not sure I feel very safe with the fact that I was allowed to enter the country because if I did not look like a suspicious character than I DON’T KNOW WHO WOULD.

At this information Mr. Stern Burly became positively congenial!  He went to Nassau Community College so (even though my parents moved to Maryland when I was a baby) we were practically pals!  I chuckled nervously at this remarkable coincidence, and as my shaky knees knocked together it became painfully obvious to me that any future plans that include a life of crime would have to be aborted.  If I dissolve with paranoia when COMPLETELY INNOCENT than I will not be able to shoplift a roll of Lifesavers.  (Lifesavers!  I used your name!  You may mail out my royalty check!)  (What do you mean, “copyright infringement”?)  Homeland Security can rest assured that at least one citizen is completely incapable of lawlessness.  [In the interest of full disclosure, although I stated I brought no food in to the country I DID have a box of granola bars, but they were individually sealed American granola bars that were imported to Mexico, and so I was not smuggling as much as RETURNING them to their rightful home.  Do not feel the need to arrest me.  They have already been eaten anyway.]

So apparently the Internet can hold more words than my brain is capable of at one time!  (Which is probably not as impressive as I’m going to pretend that it is.)  I am sure you will hear more Vacation stories over the next few months, because I tend to remember things in fits and starts.  However, I also tend to to be easily distracted, so you may get lucky and be spared excessive Vacation tales.  Who knows?!  Every time you read a post it will be like gambling!  COMPLETELY LEGAL gambling, of course.  Because this here blawg abides by the law.

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July 6, 2008. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. Flashback! -Cancun Edition « Pinkparachute’s Weblog replied:

    […] someonemakeherstopalready here https://pinkparachute.wordpress.com/2008/07/06/vacation-part-its-over-already-stop-being-lazy-and-thi…  Yes, there is a special fancy way to insert links correctly but I HAVE PICTURES!  How much […]

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