Health and Beauty Edition (I am not a doctor, just an expert)

     Maybe you remember from the post underneath this one that my primary source of information these days comes in magazine form. Since I barely even remember what “real” writing is like, I have decided to use these glossy little vestibules of knowledge as my inspiration for today’s blog edition! Like Vogue, but published TODAY instead of weeks ago, making Blogue more ‘au courant’, which is FRENCH and clearly shows I know what I’m talking about.
BEAUTY
     Perhaps you have wandered the hair care aisle at Target and noticed the proliferation of products whose purpose is acheiving ‘beach hair’. Frederic Fekkai Summer Hair Beach Waves- $22. Wella Liquid Hair Body Surf Beach Hair Styler- $29.99. Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray- $21.50. Jennifer’s Awesome Advice- free.
     That’s right! I achieved a full head of ‘beach hair’ on vacation, without the aid of overpriced styling aids! And I am more than happy to share my knowledge with you, since you are my favorite reader (don’t tell the others, we don’t want to offend anybody.)
     First! Stop showering. If you are tempted to be clean, throw yourself on to the nearest horizontal surface and take a nap instead. (The more practice you have with napping, the easier it is to achieve that ‘scrunched’ look.) After you awaken, stagger over to the mirror. If your hair has not been washed in several days and you smash it while snoozing you may already be experiencing success! But if you have fine hair, or are just having trouble achieving that proper volume, spray your head with a light coating of spray starch (about $2 in the laundry aisle) and gingerly insert your hair in to a blender. Now obviously blenders can be dangerous to humans, so keep it on Low.
     Now you look like a Brazilian supermodel, AND you saved twenty dollars! Who knew today would be your lucky day?!
     Okay Jennifer, I admit that now I am fabulously beautiful, but what about healthy?

HEALTH
     Well! In (the first half of) the current Oprah magazine (no, I have not finished it) a David Katz, MD, which stands for Medical Doctor (or Many Dollars, which is the same thing) discusses some of the health benefits of fasting. He says some studies suggest that short fasts can raise good cholesterol, and lower inflammation of the blood vessels. Interesting! However, being a HARD-HITTING JOURNALIST, I did what any HARD-HITTING JOURNALIST would do- I Googled “fasting”! After visiting various sites full of dubious medical information I stumbled upon the following:
          Recorded since the beginning of time, fasting is a practice that has many benefits for the body. Not only does it give the body a chance to heal itself, it also cleans all the toxins and poisons from the body. The health benefits of fasting can leave you feeling more energized and more physically fit that ever before.   (I copied and pasted that from here http://hubpages.com/hub/benefits_of_fasting.  Which is totally different from plagiarizing. I think.)
     Verrry Eeeentersting, no? But does it work? I am THRILLED TO REPORT that for my FAVORITE READER I have volunteered to sacrifice myself for the sake of science! I fasted not only from 1:30 pm to 6:15 pm yesterday, but also 10:25 pm to 6:40 am this morning! I have to say, I have not yet noticed any dramatic improvements in my health. But rest assured I will keep you COMPLETELY UPDATED on any progress!
     I think that wraps up today’s Beauty and Health edition of Blogue. I will report back to you when my HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM finds more exciting information to share. Remember, it’s what is on the outside that counts, seeing as your insides are just kind of pink and slimy.

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July 10, 2008. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized.

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