This post has been SNAILjacked

The past few days I’ve felt like a mentally challenged snail.  Lately I had been doing fairly well at somewhat resembling a normal/functioning mother/human, but today I am (not really) fighting off snailiness.  My brain is tired, the rest of me is tired, I feel like I need to nap for four days.  (Is that really so much to ask?)  I have been dragging myself along, sluggishly, (ha ha!  Gastropod humor!) hoping it is a temporary condition. 

I feel like a tired snail, of limited brain function, carrying a very heavy shell.  A heavy, messy shell, inhabited by baby snails, who are also messy, as well as LOUD.  Baby snails that are constantly fighting at the top of their little snail lungs.  Whilst they love each other very much, they show this love by wielding Hot Wheels tracks in a menacing fashion, and by pelting others with small metal cars, which results in an orchestra of SCREECHING.

Sometimes the snail mommy feels like unloading this very LOUD and MESSY and HEAVY shell and fleeing for the Canadian border, not because she doesn’t love the baby snails, BECAUSE SHE DOES, but dude that shell starts to get old sometimes.  The daddy slug tries to help, but he has to work at a job that pays him money in order to purchase the massive quantities of food and shoes the baby snails consume.  (You were probably not aware that baby snails wore sneakers, because they are positively microscopic.  But to sneaker salesmen [snailsmen!] “smaller” in NO WAY means “cheaper”, and the day they grow out of their shoes rather than decimating them and therefore needing yet another pair is the day the mommy snail SPROUTS WINGS.)

Anyway, the mommy snail loves her baby snails VERY MUCH, and in order to preserve their fragile snelf-esteems she saves up her frustrations in order to vent them all over the internet.  Naturally, the internet is THRILLED.  But she has to do something so her shell doesn’t crack (ha ha!), even if it just amusing herself with truly horrible snail puns.  So for anyone that is still reading this (why?!) the mommy snail (who can type! with her microscopic fingers scientists were unaware she had) profusely apologizes.  HOPEFULLY tomorrow a human will be back in charge here.  (And if she happens to be Canadian, don’t try to find her, she has already changed her name and hair color.  On a side note, baby snails make great pets, and I know where you can get some CHEAP FREE.)  (Kidding!  Snails are not bad mothers, and love their babies very much, but have found acerbic sarcasm to be a useful coping mechanism.  Please don’t judge the snail harshly until you have walked a few inches in her slime trail.)  (“Slime trail“?  And you are STILL reading this?!  Go do something productive!  SHOO!)


July 23, 2008. Tags: , . Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. amber alert replied:

    hi! i like your writings, but i wanted to make a quick suggestion. i’d like to see some pictures with the posts, maybe just to give a little more flavor with your words! keep up the good work

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