I would think of a title, but my computer won’t let me.

You may notice I have no pictures yet.  That is because I am keeping you in suspense!!  That, and my husband hasn’t managed to put any up.  I would do it myself, except that I am TECHNOLOGICALLY INEPT.  I can work a calculator!  But computers, not so much.  I prefer to think of myself as a paper person.  Although I DID manage to learn how to shop online, which may be why our UPS guy rolls his eyes every time he drives by our house.  And I also learned how to cut and paste, which impressed myself!  (No, I’m not joking.)  (No, I’m not joking about not joking.)  But pictures, first you have to get them on to the computer in some mysterious fashion, and then they are all “jpeg2600005”, which isn’t even a word, and then they supposedly jump off of the computer and on to the World Wide Web?  It is craziness, I tell you.  Craziness!

I think I may have issues with Time Management.  Or maybe Child Management, I don’t know.  What I do know is that I can not seem to manage ANYTHING with the kids around.  Like housework, or crafting, or communicating with other people.  (Jennifer is famously known as She Who Does Not Answer Her Telephone.)  Someone logical would suggest I do things after the kids are asleep.  Which would probably work really well, were I not COLLAPSED FACE DOWN AND SNORING IN TO A PUDDLE OF DROOL.  No amount of caffeine can keep my eyes open past 8:25 pm.  It is impossible for me to be conscious, much less FUNCTION. Do you want to hear something funny?  My husband has suggested that some married couples have “intimate relations” in the evenings!  I know, I didn’t believe him either.  Maybe the ones WITHOUT a team of leeches sucking out their lifeblood on a daily basis, who are NOT in a comatose heap at the end of the day.   I reassured him that in twenty years or so things may pick up a bit, but every once in a while he seems a tad irritable.  Go figure!  [Disclaimer: I love my kids, I love being a mother, my life is not as horrible as it feels sounds often sometimes occasionally, so please don’t let me prevent you from cause you to get a tubal ligation.  After all, SOME people have girls.]  [Just joking, kids!  I love you all!  Even when you pee all over the bathroom like you are firemen putting out a fire!]

Children just require so much energy.  If you find some, feel free to mail it to me very soon, as in yesterday.  I will even reimburse your postage.  (Whatever you do, refrain from emailing it- I don’t trust computers.  They will probably try to keep it for themselves.)

August 28, 2008. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Okay, this time I’m REALLY back. I swear.

I’m here!  At last!  I made it!  (Although it was close.)  School started yesterday.  Which is good!  Except that getting ready for school to start ON TOP of everything else has been, je ne sais pas, a PAIN IN THE ASS. 

Quick Quiz Question:  How many mothers were stalking the barren school supply aisle of Rite Aid at 8 pm the night before school started?

Answer: Um, that would be a grand total of one.  GUESS WHO.

But!  Hopefully the mad scramble is behind us now, so I can get back to other things, like blogging!  And potty training!  Which is going GREAT!  If “GREAT!” equates to “puddles of urine scattered throughout the house!”  More than a few people have told me that potty training boys is much easier than potty training girls.  To those people, I say COME MEET MY CHILDREN.   But they have to use the toilet someday, right?  I mean, it’s not like they make ADULT diapers, right?!  RIGHT?!

I have missed you all though, and it is nice to be back.  Hopefully I will start writing more than once a month, or whatever it is I’ve been averaging lately.  And I will add pictures!  Well not me, but my technical support staff, who is VERY BUSY with things like working, and surfing the internet, and scratching himself, so I’m not guaranteeing it will be soon.

August 26, 2008. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Pain tends to make one irritable. (You have been warned.)

So!  It has been a bit since I have posted.  And longer than that since I have checked my email.  And longer still since I have read any blogs.  The reason for all of this being that I am In Seclusion.  Like Maria in The Sound of Music, when she tried to pretend she did not have the hots for Baron Von Trapp by returning to the convent and being a nun In Seclusion.  I am not a nun in denial, but am still claiming to be In Seclusion, because it sounds fancier than Tired and Cranky.  Which I am.  Super ultra cranky.  ALL the time.  The nice part of my brain tries to reassure me that I am cranky due to pain, which is normal, since I just had major surgery, blah blah healing, to be expected, etc.  And the rest of my brain says “Stuff it, nice part.  We are too grouchy to be interested in your niceyness.  Go be reassuring somewhere else.  We want no pleasantry here.”  And when you can’t keep your brain from arguing with itself, it is generally a good idea to avoid real live people, out of fear of offending them with said grouchiness, hence my being In Seclusion.  Don’t worry, it shouldn’t last too long.  I brought up the “agonizing pain” issue with my surgeon at the follow up appointment and he explained this is normal, he had to cut the whole length of my abdominal muscle, blah blah healing process, blah blah don’t worry, will steadily improve over the next few months.  Wait, did I say “months”?  YES.  YES, I DID.  Not exactly what I had been hoping to hear.  Who’s cranky?  Not me!

So this is all not that much of a problem in real life, because I have no friends.  (Well I had a couple, like my friend Talia, but announcing that I have no friends just offended them.  Pretty clever, right!  Who can I offend next?!)  One of the awesome things about the internet, though, is that you can make friends with people you have never met!  Like Emily, who is my internet friend, and commented on my last post.  Her message included the sentence “Maybe you can get a side of Nanny with your Vicodin?”  Now I don’t know about you, but I believe that sounds a lot like “May I please offer you my free Nanny services?”  Because that’s what friends do.  Emily, I know you live in San Francisco, which (if I remember correctly) is in California and has a lot of hills.  So I’m letting you know that not only do I accept your offer, you don’t need to worry about travel plans, because there is NO RUSH.  Arrive whenever you like!  Anytime before tomorrow morning is FINE. 

Yes, Emily and myself are good friends.  Even though we have never actually met!  Or even, you know, spoken!  That is why I love the World Wide Web- it provides friendship for lazy people!  (Do you see how I did that?  Although Emily does more in an hour than I do in a week, I implied she is lazy, which is- you guessed it!- OFFENSIVE!  My real life friends, my virtual friends- THERE IS NO STOPPING ME NOW!  This is why I have been In Seclusion!)

So my blogging is still rusty.  What else can I write about?  Weekend plans?  Let’s see…

We are going to my mother’s house later for crabs.  We live in Maryland, where crabs are a BIG DEAL.  Everyone LOVES crabs.  Everyone except for Jennifer, which makes me an oddity, an OUTCAST in the state of Maryland.  And I have no problem with that, because no amount of melted butter or Old Bay seasoning can disguise the fact that they are AQUATIC SPIDERS, and therefore clearly the work of the devil.  And even all of that aside, the whole process is simply BARBARIC.  If I have to whack it with a hammer, I don’t want to eat it.  Even Thailanders eat their pan-fried puppy dogs with forks, like civilized people.  Okay, I actually have NO IDEA what kind of utensils they use.  But!  I just offended everyone in the state of Maryland, AND most of Thailand!  (Well, just the people there that speak English.  And read my blog.  Okay, maybe technically I haven’t offended anyone there yet, but it’s the PRINCIPLE that matters here.)

ALL THAT in one post!  Men are stupid!  Irish people resemble leprechauns!  (Wait, I’m not done yet!)  Umm, Jewish people have curly hair!  (Who is left here?)  Cats are smarter than dogs! 

I have offended EVERYONE!!  I did it!  Go me!  If you were not miffed by any of my previous statements, that is because I ignored you ON PURPOSE, which is even more insulting!  All of this hard work has tired me out, so I am retiring back to being In Seclusion.  Don’t fret, just remember the nice Jennifer will be back in a couple of MONTHS.

August 16, 2008. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Well THAT was fun!

So I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease eight years ago, which is an incurable disease in which your intestines eat themselves, resulting in pain, pain, and oh, yes- more pain.  Not unlike cancer it can have periods of remission, but since the birth of the twins three years ago I have been struggling more than usual, which has included several hospitalizations.  I had not mentioned it on here until now because for one, I get so tired of being a medical mutant the last thing I feel like doing is talking about it more, and two, there is NOTHING MORE INTERESTING than reading about other people’s medical problems.  I just had multiple dilated fluid-filled loops of small bowel in the distal jejunum and proximal ileum, with my ileocecal valve significantly dilated and chronically inflamed and adherent to the posterior wall of my pelvis, and a complete small bowel decompression indicating an obstruction.  SEE!  You are RIVETED!  The only thing that would make this literary experience more enjoyable might be pouring lemon juice on your eyeballs!

So anyway, last Thursday I had what began as a normal attack of pain, but it rapidly increased in severity to the point that when my father pulled up to the emergency room entrance I was no longer fully conscious (thank goodness.)  A CAT scan showed my small intestine to be completely obstructed, and emergency surgery commenced at about 11:30 that evening.  By 12:45am I was missing ten inches of my small intestine, and my appendix (just for fun.)  And even though our hospital is all “We care about patient satisfaction” the surgeon did not remove even a little bit of abdominal fat.  Would that have been so hard?  Honestly.  Also, although I was hoping an appendix could be the size of a small melon (I don’t know much about appendixes.  Appendices.  Appendixses.) (Obviously.) it is apparently a very tiny organ, because even after getting all kinds of junk taken out of it, my waistline is NO SMALLER.  Based on that, even though Jennifer is a trend-setter and therefore having all of your small intestine is totally 2007, I’m not sure I recommend this procedure to the general public.   That, and the whole “getting sawed in half may cause some mild discomfort” thing.  I do not remember the first three or four days in the hospital, thanks to Dilaudid, also known as THE NECTAR OF ANGELS.  But then the “we care about patient satisfaction” people took it away, and so now I HURT like holy hell with a cherry on top.

So I have a ten inch incision (full of frankenstaples) starting above my belly button, that marches southward down to my pubic mound.  (I love to repeat that phrase in my head, with emphasis, naturally- pubic mound!  pYOObic mOUnd!)  Although Crohn’s can’t be cured and will come back, hopefully with the bad part gone I will be able to live like a normal person for at least a little while.  Hopefully.  For I seem to be blessed with “special” luck!  Not the kind that lets you win the lottery Mega Millions of course, but the kind where if there is a .0000064% chance of some medical malfunction occurring I am that one out of… a lot of people who get it.  (My condition is FAR TOO DELICATE for math.)  Yes, “special” things happen to me.  You know, like having identical twins!  And intestines that eat themselves!  (Hey, you know what’s funny?  Crohn’s disease is exacerbated by stress!  Good thing I don’t have any of THAT!)

This medical edition was SO EXCITING!  Let’s do it again sometime!  Would you like to learn about my rectum?!  It is nice to be back here again, although I feel a little rusty.  Or maybe that is the narcotics.  Everything kind of fuzzes together, but in a good way.  I’m not sure if I recommend a surgical bowel resection for everyone, but some hydrocodone?  Now THAT I can get behind!

August 11, 2008. Tags: . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

From the Husband

I just wanted to let everyone know that Jennifer had emergency surgery late Friday night.  She had nine inches of her small intestine removed, and will no doubt be thrilled to fill you all in on the gory details when she’s more coherent.  Thanks, Mike

August 5, 2008. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.