Well THAT was fun!

So I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease eight years ago, which is an incurable disease in which your intestines eat themselves, resulting in pain, pain, and oh, yes- more pain.  Not unlike cancer it can have periods of remission, but since the birth of the twins three years ago I have been struggling more than usual, which has included several hospitalizations.  I had not mentioned it on here until now because for one, I get so tired of being a medical mutant the last thing I feel like doing is talking about it more, and two, there is NOTHING MORE INTERESTING than reading about other people’s medical problems.  I just had multiple dilated fluid-filled loops of small bowel in the distal jejunum and proximal ileum, with my ileocecal valve significantly dilated and chronically inflamed and adherent to the posterior wall of my pelvis, and a complete small bowel decompression indicating an obstruction.  SEE!  You are RIVETED!  The only thing that would make this literary experience more enjoyable might be pouring lemon juice on your eyeballs!

So anyway, last Thursday I had what began as a normal attack of pain, but it rapidly increased in severity to the point that when my father pulled up to the emergency room entrance I was no longer fully conscious (thank goodness.)  A CAT scan showed my small intestine to be completely obstructed, and emergency surgery commenced at about 11:30 that evening.  By 12:45am I was missing ten inches of my small intestine, and my appendix (just for fun.)  And even though our hospital is all “We care about patient satisfaction” the surgeon did not remove even a little bit of abdominal fat.  Would that have been so hard?  Honestly.  Also, although I was hoping an appendix could be the size of a small melon (I don’t know much about appendixes.  Appendices.  Appendixses.) (Obviously.) it is apparently a very tiny organ, because even after getting all kinds of junk taken out of it, my waistline is NO SMALLER.  Based on that, even though Jennifer is a trend-setter and therefore having all of your small intestine is totally 2007, I’m not sure I recommend this procedure to the general public.   That, and the whole “getting sawed in half may cause some mild discomfort” thing.  I do not remember the first three or four days in the hospital, thanks to Dilaudid, also known as THE NECTAR OF ANGELS.  But then the “we care about patient satisfaction” people took it away, and so now I HURT like holy hell with a cherry on top.

So I have a ten inch incision (full of frankenstaples) starting above my belly button, that marches southward down to my pubic mound.  (I love to repeat that phrase in my head, with emphasis, naturally- pubic mound!  pYOObic mOUnd!)  Although Crohn’s can’t be cured and will come back, hopefully with the bad part gone I will be able to live like a normal person for at least a little while.  Hopefully.  For I seem to be blessed with “special” luck!  Not the kind that lets you win the lottery Mega Millions of course, but the kind where if there is a .0000064% chance of some medical malfunction occurring I am that one out of… a lot of people who get it.  (My condition is FAR TOO DELICATE for math.)  Yes, “special” things happen to me.  You know, like having identical twins!  And intestines that eat themselves!  (Hey, you know what’s funny?  Crohn’s disease is exacerbated by stress!  Good thing I don’t have any of THAT!)

This medical edition was SO EXCITING!  Let’s do it again sometime!  Would you like to learn about my rectum?!  It is nice to be back here again, although I feel a little rusty.  Or maybe that is the narcotics.  Everything kind of fuzzes together, but in a good way.  I’m not sure if I recommend a surgical bowel resection for everyone, but some hydrocodone?  Now THAT I can get behind!

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August 11, 2008. Tags: . Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. Emily replied:

    Thankfully your sense of humor was not also resectioned!

    Maybe you can get a side of Nanny with your Vicodin? 😉

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