Pain tends to make one irritable. (You have been warned.)

So!  It has been a bit since I have posted.  And longer than that since I have checked my email.  And longer still since I have read any blogs.  The reason for all of this being that I am In Seclusion.  Like Maria in The Sound of Music, when she tried to pretend she did not have the hots for Baron Von Trapp by returning to the convent and being a nun In Seclusion.  I am not a nun in denial, but am still claiming to be In Seclusion, because it sounds fancier than Tired and Cranky.  Which I am.  Super ultra cranky.  ALL the time.  The nice part of my brain tries to reassure me that I am cranky due to pain, which is normal, since I just had major surgery, blah blah healing, to be expected, etc.  And the rest of my brain says “Stuff it, nice part.  We are too grouchy to be interested in your niceyness.  Go be reassuring somewhere else.  We want no pleasantry here.”  And when you can’t keep your brain from arguing with itself, it is generally a good idea to avoid real live people, out of fear of offending them with said grouchiness, hence my being In Seclusion.  Don’t worry, it shouldn’t last too long.  I brought up the “agonizing pain” issue with my surgeon at the follow up appointment and he explained this is normal, he had to cut the whole length of my abdominal muscle, blah blah healing process, blah blah don’t worry, will steadily improve over the next few months.  Wait, did I say “months”?  YES.  YES, I DID.  Not exactly what I had been hoping to hear.  Who’s cranky?  Not me!

So this is all not that much of a problem in real life, because I have no friends.  (Well I had a couple, like my friend Talia, but announcing that I have no friends just offended them.  Pretty clever, right!  Who can I offend next?!)  One of the awesome things about the internet, though, is that you can make friends with people you have never met!  Like Emily, who is my internet friend, and commented on my last post.  Her message included the sentence “Maybe you can get a side of Nanny with your Vicodin?”  Now I don’t know about you, but I believe that sounds a lot like “May I please offer you my free Nanny services?”  Because that’s what friends do.  Emily, I know you live in San Francisco, which (if I remember correctly) is in California and has a lot of hills.  So I’m letting you know that not only do I accept your offer, you don’t need to worry about travel plans, because there is NO RUSH.  Arrive whenever you like!  Anytime before tomorrow morning is FINE. 

Yes, Emily and myself are good friends.  Even though we have never actually met!  Or even, you know, spoken!  That is why I love the World Wide Web- it provides friendship for lazy people!  (Do you see how I did that?  Although Emily does more in an hour than I do in a week, I implied she is lazy, which is- you guessed it!- OFFENSIVE!  My real life friends, my virtual friends- THERE IS NO STOPPING ME NOW!  This is why I have been In Seclusion!)

So my blogging is still rusty.  What else can I write about?  Weekend plans?  Let’s see…

We are going to my mother’s house later for crabs.  We live in Maryland, where crabs are a BIG DEAL.  Everyone LOVES crabs.  Everyone except for Jennifer, which makes me an oddity, an OUTCAST in the state of Maryland.  And I have no problem with that, because no amount of melted butter or Old Bay seasoning can disguise the fact that they are AQUATIC SPIDERS, and therefore clearly the work of the devil.  And even all of that aside, the whole process is simply BARBARIC.  If I have to whack it with a hammer, I don’t want to eat it.  Even Thailanders eat their pan-fried puppy dogs with forks, like civilized people.  Okay, I actually have NO IDEA what kind of utensils they use.  But!  I just offended everyone in the state of Maryland, AND most of Thailand!  (Well, just the people there that speak English.  And read my blog.  Okay, maybe technically I haven’t offended anyone there yet, but it’s the PRINCIPLE that matters here.)

ALL THAT in one post!  Men are stupid!  Irish people resemble leprechauns!  (Wait, I’m not done yet!)  Umm, Jewish people have curly hair!  (Who is left here?)  Cats are smarter than dogs! 

I have offended EVERYONE!!  I did it!  Go me!  If you were not miffed by any of my previous statements, that is because I ignored you ON PURPOSE, which is even more insulting!  All of this hard work has tired me out, so I am retiring back to being In Seclusion.  Don’t fret, just remember the nice Jennifer will be back in a couple of MONTHS.

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August 16, 2008. Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. Emily replied:

    It’s gonna take a whole lot more to offend ME, sister! That’s ther beauty of lazy virtual friends (LVFs). LVFs are here for entertainment purposes: not to subject you to their bodily functions and whatnot.

    And well, this LVF would LOVE to come nanny for you except there might be one small problem with that… The pride in my daughter that I show on my blog may have led you to believe that I like children. Sadly, that is not usually the case. I think the potty jokes in your home would last about 5 minutes before I let loose with a “STFU!” so loud the rafters would shake.

    Yeah, I’d be a greeeeet influence!

    Oh – and I don’t think there is anything wrong with not being all gung-ho to go to your mom’s later “for crabs”. Possibly I’ve lived in the big city too long, but crustaceans were not the first thing that crossed my mind! HA

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