A leopard can’t change its stripes

After some introspective, ah, introspection I have decided to COMPLETELY DISREGARD what I wrote yesterday.  Everyone needs to vent!  And maybe I’m a little ventier than some, but that’s okay.  To make up crap paraphrase several self-help charlatans gurus, I have to be true to my authentic self.  And if my authentic self likes to complain about things, then who am I to change me?

(It sounds better when they make it up explain it.)

I am still behind on the laundry.

See!  I am authentic.  Also, I am going to pretend that I am merely conveying facts.  Very BORING facts.  That serve no purpose.  (Unless you would like to volunteer to do my laundry.)

So what boring facts should I relay?  I know!  What could be more boring than sleep?  Nothing!  Unless you are me!  Who passionately loves to sleep!  And yet I was (reasonably) nice and uncranky at 2:25 am this morning when Gregory crawled in to my side of the bed.  And I was still fine seven minutes later when Andrew’s twin alarm alerted him to the fact he was alone, and he staggered in.  I was (reasonably) enjoying being pinned down by a little arm, being breathed on by little mouths, when I realized that the alarm clock would disturb them in a few hours anyway, so I may as well attempt to transport them back to their own room.  Andrew was no problem to carry in and (accidentally) dump on his bed (I tripped over the cat) because he sleeps very heavily, like his father (AHEM).  Gregory was awake, so to coax him to sleep I curled up with him in his [toddler] bed, and when he started snoring I began the delicate process of attempting to extricate myself without waking him when I heard crashing and banging in the hallway.  Michael, woken by who-knows-what had stumbled in to my room to realize that Mommy Is Missing!  I led him back to his bed, where he sleepily informed me that his room “is too dark”.  I informed him that it is 3:08 am, so DARN RIGHT IT’S DARK, GO TO SLEEP.  I collapse in to my own bed to discover that I am wide awake.  Which is good, because three minutes later Michael arrives to tell me that his nose is full of boogers(!).  I explain that this is due to seasonal allergies, and that tomorrow night I will give him Benadryl before bed.  LOTS and LOTS of Benadryl.  For EVERYONE.

At last, all is peaceful.  Until 5:25, when Andrew crawls back in to my bed.  (Which is fine!)  And then Gregory bounces in energetically (HOW?!) two minutes later (still fine!)  The very first time I become maybe a teeeeny bit less fine was when I realized that Andrew had woken up due to the fact that he had WET HIS BED, and that now MY BEDDING was soaking wet too.  But that’s okay!  Because if there is one thing I need, it is MORE LAUNDRY.  (I’m not complaining!  Sarcastic maybe, but that is entirely different.)

Well if that wasn’t boring, than I don’t know what is!  Although I’m not sure I am as successful with the whole “shorter posts” thing.  But I am authentic!  And smelly!  Because I spent this time typing instead of showering!  (Oops!)


September 25, 2008. Tags: , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

One of these days…

So perhaps my increase in posting frequency has been… subtle.  Let’s call it a work in progress.

For the past few months I have had a tiny voice in my head nagging at me whenever I would write here, but in this house you have to be LOUD to be heard, so it wasn’t until 4am this morning (when it was actually quiet) that I realized what it had been trying to tell me.  (The old expression, “I can’t even hear myself think”?  NOT AN EXPRESSION.)  Anyway, I feel that for a while now I have been typing the same post over and over again.  The common denominator?  Whining!  And complaining!  Does this sound familiar?

         “Whine whine kids blah blah housework whine whine cranky complain complain twins blah blah I’m tired whine whine laundry.”

Right?  Right?!  It’s true!  Now believe it or not, to talk to me in person, I am not always complaining.  I try to save the griping strictly for my family.  (And friends.)  (And casual acquaintances.)  (And random strangers.)  I think I whine here out of habit now, but am going to try to write about other things again, because I’m getting a little tired of myself.  It is time to stretch my brain muscles!  They have been napping for months!  Possibly longer!  But no more!  (Although, for the record, I did use the word “try”, because if you don’t peel back the wrapper to vent the microwave dinner, it could result in a messy explosion.)  (How’s THAT for an analogy!  I’m back, baby!!  Hey, where are you going?)

I might try to write shorter entries, as they would presumably take less time than my usual ramblings.  I say might, because my brain does not appear to MAKE short sentences.  It may very well refuse to be corralled.  So to recap, hopefully I will be posting more often, and with less whining.  Of course I decided this morning that today should be a ‘low carb’ day, and then had four slices of white toast and a half a bag of tootsie rolls for breakfast.  Let’s call me a BIG GIANT WALKING work in progress.

September 24, 2008. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I try to post (at least) once a day. Except for the days that I don’t.

My mother rented a beach house this week, so we drove down on Sunday, and returned Tuesday night.  Because we do not care about our children’s education like free vacations enjoy family bonding time.  It was nice!  There was less twin plastic-shovel-violence than usual, which was good.  There was also less twin sleeping-between-the-hours-of-1am-and-5am, which would have been fine, except for the part where I had to also be awake.  My husband sleeps like a dead person, if that dead person just so happens to be deaf and unconscious and did I mention deaf, so therefore any nighttime issues (pee, vomit, nightmares, general awakeness) fall squarely on to my pillow.  (My chronically exhausted pillow.  That quite enjoys sleeping.)  I do not remember volunteering for this particular privilege, but since childbirth was so painful for him, I guess it all comes out even in the end.

(Wait a minute…)

It has been brought to my attention that my posting frequency is dismal.  I could not agree more.  We are having a bit of a computer problem.  For example, the last time I used the computer I wrote a blog entry, checked two other blogs, and emailed a few people.  When I was finished I noticed that almost TWO HOURS had VANISHED.  Like they were sucked in to some kind of computer vacuum.  Now between the house and the kids I already have NO TIME for “extra” things like reading or showering, and I’m STILL constantly behind in EVERYTHING (it’s like my own special superpower) so to have yet more time evaporate is quite vexing.  I don’t know if it is a cord, or a cable, or our internet provider, but as soon as I manage to pinpoint the problem and correct it my posts will be more frequent.  (I would also like to know why none of the time management books I borrowed from the library mentioned 3-year-old twin boys that can NOT be unsupervised for a MICROSECOND, seeing as they are WHY I never have the time to do anything.  But I can only fight one battle at a time, and the unsettling internet vacuum problem is first.)

I also just realized that I have not heard the news in (literally) weeks.  I could go to MSNBC.com, but with our “computer issue” it would probably be safer to pick up a Star magazine at the grocery store.  I will let you know if I learn of any dramatic news occurrences.  When I have time, that is.  (Ha ha ha!  That last line would be funny if it wasn’t so utterly depressing!  Go superpowers!)

September 17, 2008. Tags: , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I have a Masters Degree in parenting! I just haven’t printed it off of the computer yet

So!  Gregory is just now starting to feel better.  This has been a long and difficult week for the whole family, yet also insightful and thought-provoking as to how one should not take good health for granted.  Whether it be illness or injury, yourself or a loved one, life holds difficult challenges for us all.  This lesson, I have learned.  Repeatedly.  As in over and over again.  (I get it, life!  Thanks so much!  Let’s not do this again sometime!)

And since I stumble about blindly in the matter of twindom (twinness?  twinsanity?)  (yes!  that last one!)  I was unprepared for exactly how much Andrew would be affected by Gregory’s tonsils.  (“Unprepared” meaning “I had not even the faintest of inklings”.)  I’m guessing it might be an attention and subsequent jealousy issue, as well as the change in daily routines, as well as maybe this is the Year of the Dragon in China because Jupiter is in retrograde, I DON’T KNOW but the three-year-old mood swings in this house resemble a pack of monkeys let loose in the chandelier department of Home Depot.  TWINSANE!  (I can tell you right now that word is going to be GROSSLY OVERUSED here.  Because I love it.)  We go from whiny to clingy to hyper to needy to cooperative to Ipeltyouwithhardplastictoysfornoreason to crying within minutes, TIMES TWO, to the second power.  Now I understand, Gregory is still in pain at times, and Andrew is dealing with his own issues.  I understand, and I also wonder, do I have any narcotics leftover from my OWN surgery because my coping mechanisms appear to have left for a relaxing vacation and LEFT THE REST OF ME BEHIND, and isn’t popping pills more appropriate at 9:15 am than downing vodka straight from the bottle?  I checked my parenting books, and am shocked to find that none of the “experts” have touched on that question.  CLEARLY the only thing left to do is to become an “expert” myself, and write my own book, so that other people’s kids may also have the opportunity to experience juvenile detention facilities firsthand!  (Why should my kids have all the fun?!)  If you can become a reverend online, then “expert” is probably available in convenient monthly installments of only $19.99, plus s/h, and a free gift if you act in the next ten minutes!  All I know is that someone gets paid to write that stuff, and anyone that can say “calmly and firmly denounce the undesirable behavior, and then redirect their attention elsewhere” has never seen a determined little boy launch himself in to a diving tackle in order to gnaw on his brother’s tibia.  Of course, then again, maybe that’s just MY children.  If so, I don’t want to know

So HOPEFULLY life will be getting a little more normal soon.  Then again, I include a version of that sentence in EACH AND EVERY POST, and am still waiting.  (Take your time, life!  No rush! Simply disregard the CRAZED GLEAM in my eye!  We’re fine here!)

September 9, 2008. Tags: , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Life- feel free to return to “normalish” anytime now…

My poor little Gregory had to get his tonsils out yesterday.  (And adenoids out, and ear tubes put in.)  They were ginormous, and every time he would sleep he would struggle so hard for air that it was painful to watch him.  So although I feel great relief at not having to constantly live in fear of a death by tonsil-smothering, my baby is suffering [sad sigh].  He has been refusing to take ANY medicine that would help the pain, no matter how I hide it or disguise it or add sugar or bribe or coax, so he is miserable.  (He is also refusing to eat or drink, but who really needs to be hydrated, right?)  His identical twin has NO tonsil problems (can anyone out there explain THAT to me?) and can see Gregory is suffering, so naturally he has been poking, bumping, yelling at, whacking, and otherwise continually torturing him.  Because that’s what brothers do.  I feel so helpless and frustrated at my inability to calm his pain that I have been wildly consuming anything containing sugar located within a three mile radius of myself.  (Or anything containing salt.  Or anything vaguely resembling a food product.)  Because that’s what mothers I do.

So the laundry I had almost caught up on- back with a vengeance!  The little boy that was wearing underpants- back in diapers!  A sleep schedule- in shambles!  My waistline- ballooning!  And I am absolutely looking forward to the day that I care about those kinds of things enough to whine and complain with the enthusiasm they deserve!  Because being consumed by a constant state of worry about one of the loves of my life tends to overshadow everything else.  Hopefully this passes quickly, because it’s hurting my heart almost as much as it is hurting his throat (although luckily I can eat Oreo cookies.)

September 4, 2008. Tags: , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.