That would be an interesting Christmas card picture…

Remember how I was totally planning on writing more frequently?  Guess what happened that’s funny?!  Our computer BROKE!  Blah blah “motherboard” blah blah “power supply” blah blah what the foo ever I HAVE NO COMPUTER.  No blog, no email, no online shopping–  it’s a GOOD THING I never have time to use the blooming thing anyway, or I would be TICKED.

Holiday preparations are coming along!  The plastic tubs holding our Christmas decorations have been in our living room since the day after Thanksgiving, although I’m not sure why, seeing as I’m not stupid enough to actually unpack anything, considering the twins can mangle things with a GLANCE.  Which is why we are not getting a tree until the last possible moment.  Like, say, next year. 

The twins are having fun with the holidays this year, though.  This is the first Christmas that they really understand what is going on, and are very enthusiastic about everything!  They love nutcrackers, which they play pretend with.  The nutcrackers have long conversations with each other, and have many adventures together, and love to smash Cheerios in to dust with their wooden jaws.  (Before getting their noses broken off.  And their feet.  And their fake fur hair.  Our house is gruesomely littered with small body parts.)  It is so nice to see the boys’ imaginations really taking off!  They found a pair of my beige string thong underwear in a basket of dirty laundry and within seconds Gregory (Rudolf the Red- Nosed Reindeer) was on his hands and knees, with panties (the harness) around his neck being held by Andrew (Santa).  They took turns travelling up and down the hallway like that for a good twenty minutes.  Should I have been worried that this is how kinky fetishes begin, or just happy they were playing nicely together?  Should I be worried that “playing nicely together” involves a pair of thong underwear and possible strangulation? 

Ha!  With the amount of violence and screaming and tantrums we enjoy here every day, I am tempted to give them a DRAWER full of women’s underpants, and just look forward to the therapy bills in the future.  I am tempted, but have (so far) resisted, because I have a hunch that may not fall under the heading of ‘responsible parenting’.  Of course, then again, a ‘responsible parent’ would probably have not let three of her children eat an entire gingerbread house (with candy) for BREAKFAST, but I must point out that at 6:30 am any activity that keeps everyone occupied and quiet until their mother consumes caffeine can’t be all bad.  Naturally that entire scenario is hypothetical, of course, because I would obviously never allow that sort of behavior.  I’m ‘responsible’, remember?  (Who just laughed?!  I heard that!)

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December 14, 2008. Tags: , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

November wrap up. Because apparently I blog once a month now.

Wow!  That was a new record for blog neglect, even for me!  Although no one actually expected me to write about Thanksgiving in November, I’m sure, because that would just be CRAZY.

I think Thanksgiving was nice, although it was so long ago I can barely remember it.  I COOKED, which is shocking, seeing as I have not cooked in four years now.  My mom, Alex, and my Aunt Kerri came over.  Just look at this nutty bunch!

And that was the best picture of us!  We will blame Mike’s photography skills for the fact that we look like a pile of loons.  He OBVIOUSLY used the wrong angle or lighting or something.

I am typing the menu here, not because anyone cares, but as PROOF that I cooked an actual meal.  (Because who knows when it will ever happen again.)  Turkey!

Ew.  I had to pull out the neck and stuff, and touch it, and I splattered bloody juice everywhere, and oh- and it came with a FEATHER stuck to it.  Next Thanksgiving’s protein will be a platter of peanut butter sandwiches, because raw poultry is gross.   It was organic, however, which means it was free range raised without hormones or pesticides EXPENSIVE.

I also made mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, (both from real potatoes- the kind you have to peel!) green beans, carrots, corn, rolls, fancy stuffing with salmonella for my mom, microwaved boxed stuffing for me, gravy from the turkey even though I had a jar as backup but didn’t use it because I ROCK, homemade cranberry sauce from actual cranberries that not a single person ate but looked pretty, cranberry sauce in the shape of the can that would have been the only thing Matthew would have eaten had he not been sitting next to a watchful Nanna, and a pumpkin cheesecake with a gingersnap crust.  The crust would have taken three minutes in a food processor.  I do not own one, and had to smash the gingersnaps with the bottom of a salsa jar through a colander set inside of a bowl.  It only took seventy minutes and a ligament from my right elbow!  It tasted good, but will not be made again until I own a fricking food processor.

I think that is all from Thanksgiving.  All I can remember at the moment, anyway.  Hey, guess what!  There are only 17 days until Christmas!  Neat, right!  NO.  NOT SO MUCH.  How did that happen??!  I would panic if I had the energy for it.

 We went ice skating as a family yesterday!  It was our first time.  Michael was gliding along like a professional within minutes, and Matthew did well (although he did need the walker-thing for support.)  I was not planning on trying it, as I am still scarred by a traumatic roller skating experience from a middle school field trip.  (I had to hang on to the wall, and it took me about an hour to go around the rink once.)  (Seriously, an hour.  After my one lap I spent the rest of the time on a bench wondering how EVERYONE ELSE had NO PROBLEMS skating, and why I was born without balance and coordination.)  But the twins could not stand up (even with the walkers) by themselves, and Mike could only help one at a time, so I had to get skates.  In a rink full of children no one was having trouble, though, so how bad could it be?  DEAR GOD.  I could not ice skate while using a walker, much less a walker containing a 3-year-old TANTRUMMING on ICE because Go faster! I want to go fast Mommy won’t go fast I want Daddy, and who DID NOT CARE that Mommy could barely GO AT ALL, or even STAY UPRIGHT by herself, much less while supporting a small flailing sliding kicking screamer.  Who attracted even MORE attention to my personal NIGHTMARE.  I thought I was fairly used to public humiliation (thanks to a pair of violent screeching twins) but I WAS WRONG. 

My uncle coached ice hockey for years, and now is a mentor for a “special hockey” league for autistic and Down syndrome kids (who SKATE BETTER THAN I DO) and he said that rental skates are really dull and impossible to skate in.  So I am telling myself that I just need good ice skates, and someone to tell me how to do it.  I am NOT telling myself that Michael was skating in minutes without either of those things, because getting your ass kicked by your 8-year-old is a little embarrassing.   There are no pictures of this horrible event, and if there were, I WOULD DELETE THEM.  And since this entire experience was not humiliating enough already, even though I only “skated” (ha!) for 3 1/2 minutes MY WHOLE BODY IS SORE TODAY.  Thank you, body, for the constant reminder of both the afternoon I am trying to forget and the fact that I am in crappy shape.  Remember my modest “I rock!”?  Officially retracted.

I promise I will not disappear again.  (Probably.)  I will have much to tell you about Christmas preparations, and family news, and most importantly BAKUGAN.  What the hell is a ‘Bakugan’?  I don’t know, other than Matthew NEEEDS some to live, although if I have to hear about them much more an entire Bakugan army won’t be able to save him from his mother’s crazy.

December 7, 2008. Tags: . Uncategorized. 2 comments.