The internet pooped on me

So the other day I needed to send an e-card (yes, Alex, this is all your fault) and Hallmark.com was irritating me so I googled “free e-cards”.  I picked one and selected a card, which I could not send until I installed or downloaded or something some, uh, stuff or whatever.  The important part was that they seemed really nice and they SWORE they had no spyware or viruses or, you know, bad stuff.  And they were really, really nice!  Except that they LIED.  It took Mike TWO DAYS to make the computer work again.  I was very upset, because breaking my computer after promising they wouldn’t was just NOT VERY FRIENDLY.  And, apparently, illegal.  That’s right- illegal!  It is both impolite AND illegal (!) to give an innocent, trusting, unsuspecting individual spyware and/or viruses.  Except that when I asked who was in charge of the internet (in order to pursue justice!) Mike said NO ONE IS.  Something about it being “too big” to have a President or CEO or Officer of Internet Relations.  TALK ABOUT POOR DESIGN!  Don’t worry, I couldn’t believe it either.

Have you seen the car window decorations that resemble a half of a golf ball, surrounded by vinyl printed to resemble shattered glass?  As in “Oh, no, a golf ball broke my car window and also happened to get stuck in the glass”?  Well I saw one with a football today.  The pointy end of the football, protruding from the bottom middle of the car’s back window. All I could think was that it looked exactly like the car was POOPING, which may not have been quite the effect they were going for.

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October 12, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Does anyone know of real estate available in, say, Antarctica?

We (well, I) had a Traumatizing Experience today.  There was a GIANT TARANTULA on my couch.  We are talking like the size of a QUARTER.  And this is the THIRD in the past WEEK.  In my HOUSE.  You may be able to tell from my CAPS USAGE that I would rather bathe in a bathtub full of snakes than encounter a spider.  And here I was, ALONE, except for the twins, who were not much help.  Since they were witnessing the event, I am proud to say I handled it with dignity.  If “dignity” involves letting loose one bloodcurdling scream after another as I jumped around and attempted to whack at it with a shirt.  (Now that I think about it, they may not have been much help because my reaction paralyzed them in to shock.)  So anyway, trying to murder Aragog with a SpongeBob pajama top only made it angry, and if you are wondering what kind of fool uses a size 4 pajama top as a weapon the answer would be one who is MAD WITH PANIC, that’s who.  I finally managed to grab a hairbrush and clobber away until it was unquestionably deceased, after which I eventually remembered to stop screaming.  Our preschool teacher Mrs. Smith (or as we know her, Miss Sniff) will NO  DOUBT get quite an entertaining story today!

In this age of reusable grocery bags and health- conscious moms it is hip to be all eco-green-earth friendly- drive a hybrid giant suv- buy the expensive formula that makes your baby smarter and then recycle the can-stuff and that is good.  Go Earth!  And as you all know, I am so hip I can barely fit in to my pants.  But you had better believe that I am going to go git me some INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH POISON KILLER BUG SPRAY.  If they have one that is only legal in twelve states, I WILL BUY IT.  I want the spider to KEEL OVER AND DIE WHEN HE SEES THE CAN.  I would not shy from using a BLOWTORCH, were it not for the whole “burning the house down” issue.  Although if I see many more of these monstrosities around here, then HELL YES I WILL BURN THE HOUSE DOWN.

Do you remember me saying something about how being on the Prozac levelled out my emotions?  Neither do I.

October 9, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.