Stay back, I have my cranky pants on

I have always LOVED reading.  As a child I preferred to sit in my room and read over playing with friends, swimming, really anything else.  My mother used to punish me by taking away my reading privileges, and my teachers were horrified!  Denying a child books!  But what else could she do?  Send me to my room?  Take away television, phone, playmates?  Awesome- more time to read!!  (What can I say, I’ve always been odd “unique”.)  In seventh grade we had a school field trip to Gettysburg, so I did what every other twelve-year-old girl does on a long bus ride with her friends- I read the copy of Gone With the Wind I bought from the gift shop!  Luckily it was over 1,000 pages long, so I finished it not on the bus, but at home that evening.  Luckily, because when I finished it I SOBBED for THREE HOURS.  (And then read it again the next day.)  I thought I had loved reading before, but it became a FULL- FLEDGED OBSESSION.  I devoured books voraciously.  And then?  I started manufacturing kids.  And WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED that the more children I produced, the less I was able to read!  Whether it be time, or energy, or the fact that my brain resembles a wad of gum melted to the sidewalk, anymore I get a satisfied thrill by finishing a Lands’ End catalog.  Which brings us to some Vacation Stats!

     Number of books squirreled away in various suitcases for my reading pleasure: 8

     Number of books actually read: 0 Half of an Oprah magazine belonging to my mother-in-law  (Dear Grammy, after we collapsed on the living room floor arrived home, I noticed that I had accidentally stolen it from you.  But don’t worry!  I will return it as soon as I’m finished reading it.  Which will be anywhere between Thursday and when the twins go to college.)

Are you ready for some amusing irony?  Splashed across the side of Oprah’s abdomen are the words “LOOKING FOR A GOOD BOOK?  We’ve got 27 terrific summer reads for the plane, porch, pool, hammock, beach, bed…”  Well now!  I have been everywhere but the hammock and let me tell you there was NO BOOK READING going on there.  (“Plane”!  That’s a good one!!)  Now I’m sure that anyone who has raised small children and actually lived through it can smile encouragingly and say “Someday you will read books/sleep/not be crazy again”, yet I am becoming increasingly suspicious that “someday” is a desperate figment of my imagination, rather than something that is actually going to occur.

I have sucked you in to my vacuum of hopelessness!  Isn’t it fun here!

Michael had a check up today, and his pediatrician casually mentioned that if we had any travel plans that included leaving the country, to, you know, Mexico or somewhere, to let him know so that we could schedule the proper hepatitis shots.

Um, OOPS.

Was I supposed to know that?  How was I supposed to know that?!  (If you say “by reading a book on child-rearing” I will throw something at you.)  This whole parenting operation is an endless web of complications.  That, or I am dramatically under-qualified for it, I’m not sure.  I would ponder that question in depth but if being a mother has taught me anything it is that THERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO.  (Like what happened to the upstairs bathroom.  Please don’t tell me.  Just clean it up.)

Yesterday was approximately 57 hours long.  Today is shaping up to be the same.  But I PROMISE that tomorrow I will spread cheer and happiness and goodwill to all corners of the internet!  Although I’m not certain the internet has corners.  I AM certain that I am too cranky to care.

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July 8, 2008. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Vacation!

Hello, readers!  All five of you!  An astute observer would notice that number is up from three!  That is because two real live people that are not related to me left comments!  Emily at http://horseychicken.wordpress.com/ and Gina at http://www.labelleavenue.com/blog/ are really nice people with great blogs!  I recently read somewhere that when someone comments, it is good blog manners to email them back.  Unfortunately I was not aware of that when they left their funny messages and so am probably back down to three readers now that I have outrageously offended half of my viewing public.  Go me!

I mentioned last time that I will be on vacation next week.  Since I can feel you VIBRATING with BURNING QUERIES I have decided to utilize a revolutionary Question and Answer format.  Hold on to your hats, people:

1.)  Jennifer, where are you going? 

Cancun, Mexico with my husband’s parents, brother, sister-in-law, and my one-year-old nephew who is SO CUTE I may just squeeze a little lime juice on him and eat him right up

2.)  Is an airline actually going to be foolish enough to let your twin boys, aged three, on an airplane? 

Probably.  Possibly.  Maybe in the cargo hold. 

3.)  Are you apprehensive about taking your evil insane twins on an airplane?

Not at all.  I am confident they will sit still and be quiet.  Also, my name is Fred and my hobbies include badminton and building model railroads.  I think George W. should be allowed to serve a third term as president.  And spiders are “good” because they “eat bugs”.  (Okay, I’m sorry but I can not even pretend that last one is true.  What-the-hell-ever those crazy spider propaganda people claim I KNOW that they are creepy horrible creatures with no redeeming value sent here with the sole purpose of torturing me.)

4.)  Aren’t you concerned that nature lovers will bombard you with hate mail?

I would be, except that out of my whole five readers, I know where three of them live and they know I would not hesitate in dropping off my kids on their front lawn and speeding away. 

5.)  Weren’t these questions supposed to be about your vacation?

Yes.  But I am a “free thinker”.  My creative brain maneuverings are the sign of a highly intelligent mind.  Also I look like a supermodel, except hotter, and my house is clean and organized. 

6.)  Jennifer, you can not POSSIBLY expect us to go seven days without hearing from you?!

Of course not!  I am not a heartless monster!  I will have internet access, and even though it costs approximately seventeen dollars a minute, you are worth it.  Also, since the children will have other people to talk to that aren’t me (THANK GOD) I may even be able to complete an actual thought process and write a concise, witty, smart post!

7.)  That has not happened yet, why would you start now?

Don’t get smart with me, buster.

8.)  The fact that all three to five of your readers are snoring in to their keyboards indicates that they may be out of questions.

I think they were overcome with excitement.  Totally understandable! 

Well I must finish packing for six people.  No pressure!  If I forget something, well, it’s not like we’re leaving the country.  (Crap.)  Oh, and wake up.  Not only am I finished here, but you are drooling on your computer.

June 27, 2008. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Camp Drivemecrazy is in FULL SWING

Bonjour, le blog!  How are you doing?  That is so nice.  So, ah, would you mind if I vent a little bit?  What’s that?  You have no control over what I type?  If you did, the content would be way better?  Ha ha!  Ha!  You are too funny!  (What do you mean, “No really.”)

Anyway, I need to express how ADORABLE my children have been the past few days.  SO ADORABLE, stabbing myself in the eyeball with a shard of broken glass sounds relaxing.  Except that would be one more mess I would have to clean up (yogurt, I am TOTALLY GLARING IN YOUR DIRECTION.)  Now not that I am one to complain, (stop laughing) but how many more days until school starts exactly?  The whining and crying and howling and bickering and arguing and fighting and whining and biting (which I thought we were done with, but obviously not) and talking and questions and whining are DRIVING ME INSANE.  To the point (hard to believe) that I lose the power of speech.  Things like “bushaaaarggh!” and “graaaaaah!” come out of my mouth often enough that the kids don’t even look at me oddly anymore. 

(Cleansing breath, Jennifer, cleansing breath!)

It’s okay!  I’m fine!  Don’t worry about me!  Besides!  Next week we go to the beach, and we all know just how relaxing a vacation with FOUR CHILDREN is, right?  Right?!  (whimper)

June 26, 2008. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Official announcement

Some people that I know (my dad) have heard about the bloggers that make $40,000 a month, usually from ads on their site and/or corporate sponsors.  (It’s true!)  Granted, they have been doing it for many years, but philosophically speaking, What Is Time, really?  A mere drop in the bucket of the universe!  And they also have hundreds of thousands of readers every day  but that is not SO much more than, um, three.  And What Are Numbers, really?  Just some strange hieroglyphics Galileo invented in order to play Soduko while perched on his chamber pot.  (He did too.  Did too. didtoodidtoodidtoo Moooooom, the internet is arguing with meee!) (* This brief summer vacation moment brought to you by Ernie’s Excellent Earmuffs.  I will wear you in sweltering heat if you will just drown out the NOISE.)

  So I have decided to BECOME RICH.  That’s right!  You read it here first!  This time next week I will have at least three nannies and a housekeeper.  (Why didn’t I think of this years ago?)  And because I am abundantly generous, I am stating (right now!) that I will give all of my family members a BRAND NEW CAR.  (Oprah totally stole my idea.  So rude of her, I know.)

The cars are actually not quite ready yet, but I will keep you posted.  (Ha ha!  “Posted”!  Blog humor!  Priceless!) (Yes, you read that right.  Mastercard copied off of me TOO.  No one has any scruples anymore.)

          * *This post brought to you by:

Extra Strength Duct Tape– “for children who have gnawed their way out of standard duct tape”

The makers of Prozac  (Valium, are you interested?  Call me.  We’ll do drugs lunch.)

And my favorite book, Organization Is Bad For Your Karma and Makes You Fat.  I highly recommend it.  I would lend it to you but it is buried under one of my many piles of crap.

June 18, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.