Vacation- Part It’s OVER already, stop being lazy and think of a new title

We’re home!  Everyone survived!  Some people return from vacations feeling refreshed, or rested.  I feel a sense of accomplishment and relief.  We made it!  Someday vacations may be relaxing, but that time is NOT NOW.

I am back on my own computer!  That does not count down the minutes I am using like a bomb preparing to detonate!  I may go on a wild binge and write a HUGE POST, just because I can.  I will try not to break the Internet, but I make no promises, because I’m going to type a lot of words.  I’m not exactly sure how big the World Wide Web is, but hopefully it will be able to hold them all.

Dear Jennifer,

     Is it possible to change the poopy diaper of a large three-year-old (that should have been potty trained ages ago) in an airplane bathroom that is the approximate square footage of a postage stamp?

                                                                        Signed,  Just Curious

Dear Curious,

     No.  It is definitely not possible.  But I had to manage it anyway, as I noticed the other passengers stealing furtive glances at the instructions for the emergency exit.  And as Gregory and I plummeted towards the ground, all I would be able to think is “Fellow travelers, I don’t blame you one bit for pushing us out, because those diapers STINK when not contained in a stuffy airline cabin.”

                                                                 Sincerely,  Jennifer

Dear Twins,

     If you do not potty train soon, I am donating you to a petting zoo.  The zoo will politely decline, so I will be forced to tie you to a fence and hightail it on out of there.  You know that I know that you know how to use the potty, but that you would rather play/wrestle/stare at a blank wall rather than do so.  Now I don’t always feel like walking all the way to a toilet either but even total laziness must have limits.  Cats spend 93% of their lives napping and even they use a litter box.  So ENOUGH WITH THE DIAPERS ALREADY.

                                                                Love, Mommy

 

After the plane landed, we had to herd the kids through customs.  Our official was very tall, and burly, and intimidating in his uniform, complete with stern expression.  And did I mention tall.  A hulking mass of disapproving government security!  He probably immobilizes his prey with a cool glance, before crushing them with a flick of his pinkie finger.  I gingerly handed him a pile of passports and attempted to count little heads as they darted about in front of me.  I was trying to remember exactly how many children I had when a gruff voice barked “WHERE IN NEW YORK.”

Where in New York what?!  Where in New York do I peddle my drugs?  Where in New York do I hand out illegal firearms?  Where in New York do I sell poor quality Gucce and Rollex watches?  What?!  Tell me before you arrest me and cart me off to the slammer!  Or crush me with your pinkie!  Are the lawyers on the cover of the phone book any good?  As I stammer “uh…umm…” it dawns on me that my passport includes my place of birth.  My mind is paralyzed as I try to remember where I was born.  I blink at him for a full fifteen seconds before squeaking “Um…Long Island?”  I’m not sure I feel very safe with the fact that I was allowed to enter the country because if I did not look like a suspicious character than I DON’T KNOW WHO WOULD.

At this information Mr. Stern Burly became positively congenial!  He went to Nassau Community College so (even though my parents moved to Maryland when I was a baby) we were practically pals!  I chuckled nervously at this remarkable coincidence, and as my shaky knees knocked together it became painfully obvious to me that any future plans that include a life of crime would have to be aborted.  If I dissolve with paranoia when COMPLETELY INNOCENT than I will not be able to shoplift a roll of Lifesavers.  (Lifesavers!  I used your name!  You may mail out my royalty check!)  (What do you mean, “copyright infringement”?)  Homeland Security can rest assured that at least one citizen is completely incapable of lawlessness.  [In the interest of full disclosure, although I stated I brought no food in to the country I DID have a box of granola bars, but they were individually sealed American granola bars that were imported to Mexico, and so I was not smuggling as much as RETURNING them to their rightful home.  Do not feel the need to arrest me.  They have already been eaten anyway.]

So apparently the Internet can hold more words than my brain is capable of at one time!  (Which is probably not as impressive as I’m going to pretend that it is.)  I am sure you will hear more Vacation stories over the next few months, because I tend to remember things in fits and starts.  However, I also tend to to be easily distracted, so you may get lucky and be spared excessive Vacation tales.  Who knows?!  Every time you read a post it will be like gambling!  COMPLETELY LEGAL gambling, of course.  Because this here blawg abides by the law.

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July 6, 2008. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Vacation!

Hello, readers!  All five of you!  An astute observer would notice that number is up from three!  That is because two real live people that are not related to me left comments!  Emily at http://horseychicken.wordpress.com/ and Gina at http://www.labelleavenue.com/blog/ are really nice people with great blogs!  I recently read somewhere that when someone comments, it is good blog manners to email them back.  Unfortunately I was not aware of that when they left their funny messages and so am probably back down to three readers now that I have outrageously offended half of my viewing public.  Go me!

I mentioned last time that I will be on vacation next week.  Since I can feel you VIBRATING with BURNING QUERIES I have decided to utilize a revolutionary Question and Answer format.  Hold on to your hats, people:

1.)  Jennifer, where are you going? 

Cancun, Mexico with my husband’s parents, brother, sister-in-law, and my one-year-old nephew who is SO CUTE I may just squeeze a little lime juice on him and eat him right up

2.)  Is an airline actually going to be foolish enough to let your twin boys, aged three, on an airplane? 

Probably.  Possibly.  Maybe in the cargo hold. 

3.)  Are you apprehensive about taking your evil insane twins on an airplane?

Not at all.  I am confident they will sit still and be quiet.  Also, my name is Fred and my hobbies include badminton and building model railroads.  I think George W. should be allowed to serve a third term as president.  And spiders are “good” because they “eat bugs”.  (Okay, I’m sorry but I can not even pretend that last one is true.  What-the-hell-ever those crazy spider propaganda people claim I KNOW that they are creepy horrible creatures with no redeeming value sent here with the sole purpose of torturing me.)

4.)  Aren’t you concerned that nature lovers will bombard you with hate mail?

I would be, except that out of my whole five readers, I know where three of them live and they know I would not hesitate in dropping off my kids on their front lawn and speeding away. 

5.)  Weren’t these questions supposed to be about your vacation?

Yes.  But I am a “free thinker”.  My creative brain maneuverings are the sign of a highly intelligent mind.  Also I look like a supermodel, except hotter, and my house is clean and organized. 

6.)  Jennifer, you can not POSSIBLY expect us to go seven days without hearing from you?!

Of course not!  I am not a heartless monster!  I will have internet access, and even though it costs approximately seventeen dollars a minute, you are worth it.  Also, since the children will have other people to talk to that aren’t me (THANK GOD) I may even be able to complete an actual thought process and write a concise, witty, smart post!

7.)  That has not happened yet, why would you start now?

Don’t get smart with me, buster.

8.)  The fact that all three to five of your readers are snoring in to their keyboards indicates that they may be out of questions.

I think they were overcome with excitement.  Totally understandable! 

Well I must finish packing for six people.  No pressure!  If I forget something, well, it’s not like we’re leaving the country.  (Crap.)  Oh, and wake up.  Not only am I finished here, but you are drooling on your computer.

June 27, 2008. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Unless the man is me, then he is just tired.

     (Note- I am super lucky in that all four of my children are awake by 5:45 am EVERY DAY.)

So I think I mentioned that yesterday was the last day of school (nooo!)  We made it all the way to 6:52 am this morning before the first “I’m boooored.  What can I doooooo?” was heard.  Although my brain was far more asleep than it was awake, I gave a helpful list of suggestions:

     1. Read a library book

     2. Make an art project

     3. Play your gameboy

     4.Ride your bike

     5. Draw a father’s day card

     6. Construct a marble track

     7. Color with sidewalk chalk

     8. Clean your bedroom

     9. Scrub the kitchen

     10. Serve me lemonade and fan me whilst I recline on the couch and peruse celebrity gossip magazines

However, naturally, I got the requisite “I don’t waaana do any of thooose things.”  So I attentively inquired “What would you like to do?”  Or more accurately, as it was not yet seven o’clock in the morning, mumbled “Whayouwannadozzz (snore)”  He had a few ideas:

     1. Go to the movies!

     2. Play miniature golf!

     3. Go bowling!

     4. Visit ChuckECheese!

     5. Swim in a pool!

     6. Buy something [expensive] from the toy store!

     7. Go to the zoo!

     8. Visit Disney World!

     9. Try hang gliding!

     10. At 6:53 am!

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I am the MEANEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD for not pouncing on one of those excellent suggestions.  I also don’t need to mention that it is going to be a very long summer

 

So someone (My sister-in-law Jill!  Hi Jill!  Everyone wave to Jill!) mentioned that I am fond of parentheses.  (I know, I didn’t notice that either.) (But she may have a point.)  I also enjoy italics, and CAPITAL LETTERS.  I like to think of my use of them as a written form of gesticulation, speaking !animatedly! in a typed form.  Because that sounds better than, you know, just being a crappy writer.  And did I mention that my home state is Denial?  You should visit sometime, we locals are nice!  (Although if we weren’t, we wouldn’t admit it.  Because that is the beauty of Denial!  Our slogan: “Like reality, only better!”)

June 13, 2008. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.