Mental Health Update (Because really, what could be more fascinating than THAT?!)
I have not been writing very much over the past few months. And when I have, it has pretty much been only about the children. Because I have been pretty much only about the children. Which is fine, were it not for the fact that it’s not, because I am feeling FLAT. Boring. Mechanical. My me has gone missing. (Those five words make the winner of the prestigious Most Grammatical Mistakes in one Sentence Award! I would like to thank the little people. And my me.) I am behind on current events. I have read nothing of intelligence. I have not talked or written to anyone. Just...bleh. I am on autopilot through the skies of life. (Most Cheesiest Cliche Ever Award!) I have not made much of anything, except a painting for my uncle, and that was the perfect example of my problem- I loved painting again, it was creative and therapeutic and fun, but ever since I finished it a month ago my brushes have remained untouched because I could not muster up the desire to do it again. My zest is gone! And I think it is because of the Prozac. I have been on it for a while now, and as has happened in the past, over time it levels me out to the point of, well, flatness. So a last week I started tapering off of it, and I am feeling the difference already. Michael is in the fourth grade now, which means he is old enough to play a band or orchestra instrument. So I dug my violin out and had it restrung for him, and picked it up the other night on a whim to see how much I remembered. I felt such a thorough happiness in my bones I was surprised to realize I’d been missing it for so long. Hopefully this alivity (now it’s a word!) is a sign that my CRUSHING DEPRESSION has lifted, so that I can go back to my only mildly mentally unstable and vivacious (har har) self. Then again, it is a good thing those words look DELISHUS because I will undoubtedly be eating them very soon.
Speaking of mentally unstable, have I ever mentioned my ridiculous social anxiety problem? If I am comfortable around you (or inebriated) then I am one of those people that never shuts up, but otherwise? Paralyzed by shyness. I was at Shoprite the other day and there was a balding older man stocking yogurts. I rerouted to the orange juice section, but wanted yogurt, and he was still stocking, so I forced myself over. He smiled and made pleasant chit chat, and I smiled and laughed at his friendly joke, and then I ducked in to the tomato sauce aisle to finish my MASSIVE PANIC ATTACK. A panic attack, because some chubby fifty-something year old stockboy man whatever followed company protocol in greeting the customers. Who does that?! Oh, that’s right- me. Off meds!
So anyway, I have had lots of happy feelings lately, and it is nice! All kittens and rainbows, lots of happy happiness, until I was at Old Navy the other day. And saw a pair of stirrup pants. STIRRUP PANTS. I went from happy to Oh HELL No. I understand that the young people enjoy the vintage retro hipster Goodwill clearance look, and that I am now very very old, but I have pictures of myself in middle school wearing stirrup pants and even in my “awkward stage” (actually my life since age four has been an awkward stage, but middle school was ultra awkward) they were just BAD. The only person that can carry them off gracefully is a HORSE. And I do not believe horses are allowed to shop at Old Navy.
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE
Three days before school started I got the call- PRESCHOOL!!! THE TWINS ARE GOING!! TO PRESCHOOL!!! Have you ever wanted to vomit from sheer joy? I have! The heavens opened and the angels played their trumpets and I screamed and shrieked and jumped up and down, and cried from shock and happiness and relief! And then trembled with terror whenever the phone rang in case the school had discovered some sort of clerical error and was calling to say “sorry, crazy lady, but never mind.” I had prepared myself for another year of indentured servitude but from 12:40pm to 3:35pm every weekday I am FREEEEEEE!!! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I can shower! I can do laundry! Scoop cat litter! Pee by myself! Exercise! (Theoretically speaking anyway.) Do laundry! Dishes! Pay bills! Go food shopping! I can sew and paint and make jewelery and even read a real book (not that I remember how.) I can answer emails (doubtful) and even write occasionally! And all of the above can be done in SILENCE!
The twins were so ready for school, too- the social stuff, the learning stuff, blah blah (I’m freeeee!) (Sorry about that. Where was I?) Gregory was so excited that after we bought his “bapack” he dressed himself (in a striped shirt and plaid shorts) and wore his backpack (with the tags still on it) for the rest of the day.
I let them pick out whatever backpacks they wanted from all of Target and funnily enough they picked ones almost the same (Batman) while just a little bit different (like themselves!)
I stitched some felt tags with their initials because I knew I would never remember whose was whose, which went over well because they are very proud of their letters. (Whenever they see an A or a G on a sign, cereal box, whatever they are SO EXCITED to point out their letter. “Look, Andrew, there’s your letter!” “How did that get there?”)
Aren’t they cute?! (I have to admit, it is easier to think they are cute when they go away for three hours a day.) Oh, and they ride the school bus home! (Their preschool classes are at the elementary school.) And a few of the fourth graders are assigned the job of preschool bus helper, so in a twist of extra cuteness Michael helps them get on the bus at the end of the day!
(Coming home after their first day.)
So now I can try new things! Like facebook. I have been on there three times now and it still makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE to me. And you are supposed to ask people to be your friend. Well, what if they say no? I CAN’T HANDLE THAT KIND OF REJECTION! I don’t understand why it is so popular now, because I find it to be nothing but stressful. Someone needs to make a facebook for shy people, where you don’t have to talk to anyone. Or make friends. Or suffer from SOCIAL ANXIETY. (Although I did find that a few White Russians can help with that. They taste just like chocolate milk!)
So PRESCHOOL! There were (many) times I never thought this day would come. In fact, I still can’t believe it. (Really.) It might sink in before October or November, but for now I drop them off and walk back to the car in a daze of amazement (Is this really happening?!) On Friday I washed the kitchen rug! I think there might be a chance that someday I might be a real person again! (Notice I did not say normal person. I know my limits.) People keep saying to me “You’re not going to know what to do with yourself now!” and I barely manage to keep from answering “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!” Because I’m really not thinking that will be a problem.
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