Aargh!
I have had a Big Important Post about 82% finished for about 6 days now. I’m thisclose to being done, but FOUR CHILDREN and HALLOWEEN COSTUMES and HALLOWEEN EVENTS and CLASSROOM VOLUNTEERING and TWINS and HOUSEWORK (ha!) have prevented me from thinking, much less touching the computer, which is not INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING at all. Oh, and even though some of us are almost four, we have been having these ridiculously wretched tantrums every ten minutes that are sucking the lifeblood out of our mother, who does not understand WHY they are occurring all of a sudden, or WHY THEY ARE NOT GOING AWAY.
(I am relaxed! I am not stressed! I do not have a GIANT FRICKING headache!)
I usually not only make the kids’ costumes, but rock out some complicated theme. (Last year: Michael- Captain Hook, Matthew- Peter Pan, Twins- Lost Boys, Daddy- (oversized, slightly disturbing) Tinkerbell (complete with tights and glitter.) However, the past few weeks have been so crazy busy I announced that this year, for the first time, we would do generic store bought costumes(!) The twins are monkeys, and I think their costumes are the first ones we have ever cut price tags off of. Matthew decided to be a vampire, and asked if I could make his cape. I figured that would be good, as I could line it with fleece, since it is supposed to be 38 degrees outside. I was even nice (shocking!) and let him pick out the material for the outside. I was so relieved that he chose one after an hour of deliberation that I did not notice it was THE MOST SLIPPERY FABRIC EVER MANUFACTURED. So his “store bought” costume took me about 2 1/2 hours on the sewing machine. But that’s fine! Because I purchased two monkey outfits! From a store! Michael had planned on being a Pokemon trainer (whaaat?), but after seeing the twins’ costumes, decided to be a gorilla, because THAT would be “easier for me to make”. Now I can confidently disclose to you that the ONLY thing “easy” about sewing fluffy fake fur is swearing never to do it again. Guess who is a Pokemon trainer?! His costume only cost about $60 for clothing and accessories, and 3 hours of sewing a vest and backpack, all so that no one knows what he is, but that’s okay! Because the twins’ monkey suits came from Target! So this year was EASY! (Except that for being easy, it was a giant pain in the ass.)
So anyway, I have a big post coming, filled with not-at-all-exciting-to-anyone-else news! Which features some AWESOME PEOPLE! And it’s a surprise! And HOPEFULLY I will finish it before THANKSGIVING. So get ready! And in the meantime, Happy Halloween! Or, if you are me, Please Let Halloween Be Over Soon! (Did I mention the kids are HOME FROM SCHOOL today? “How much longer now, Mommy? How bout now?”)
Oh, and since Mike is not wearing pantyhose this year, he may have extra time to add some Halloween pictures to the computer! (They take a while to get on and off, you know, especially when you have legs like Chewbacca.)
Fecal Mortification
Great news! At 3 and 3/4 years of age, the twins no longer wear diapers! They don’t poop in their pants, like a baby. No! They poop in the mulch at the playground, like a big boy stray dog! (Which, by the way, was not COMPLETELY HUMILIATING for their mother at all.) A stray dog with chubby pink buttcheeks! A stray dog that just may be For Sale Free To Good Home! Act now, and I will include a FREE BONUS box of Cheerios! (What a bargain!)
This is probably one of those instances I will look back on someday and laugh about. Probably. Although I’m currently thinking it would be A LOT FUNNIER if the perpetrator was to reside elsewhere, say, with a grandparent! In fact, at last count (including Talia’s mom and dad) there were eight grandparents for these children, so WHERE IS EVERYBODY? I KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE. DO NOT HIDE, WE WILL FIND YOU.
I am not posting pictures of this event. Because I did not take any. Because I was hiding behind the sliding board, trying not to weep with shame.
Thankfully, for once this was a solo project. (The other twin must have been busy.) I am not going to reveal his identity, in the interests of his privacy and future embarrassment.
ANDREW, YOU DID THIS TO ME
I’m a raisin’ me some boob men
The other night the menfolk were watching some television when Mike noticed a bug bite on Andrew’s cheek. He casually said out loud “it looks like Andrew has a bug bite on his cheek.” Which meant that instantly everyone had to crowd around and stare at this shocking apparition. Matthew (who else) helpfully had to add “it looks like a big giant nipple.” So for the rest of the evening the twins ran around and shrieked at their highest volume (extra extra loud) “BIG GIANT MIPPLE! BIG GIANT MIPPLE!” Mike was so proud, I’m pretty sure I saw him wipe away a tear.
A few quick notes, before I forget
Dear Talia,
So, you got married! You may not have noticed the wedding gift from us. Possibly because we did not give you one. Now that had absolutely nothing to do with procrastination or poor planning skills on my part. Frankly, I am shocked and insulted you would entertain such a ridiculous idea. No, we have not given you your gift yet because we are following PROPER ETIQUETTE. I heard from Nina who heard from the internet (I think) that PROPER ETIQUETTE dictates we have one full year to present the couple with their, um, present. And I am nothing if not PROPER, obviously. Just so you know, though, I very recently gave Nina an exorbitant amount of cash for a ‘joint gift’ from us. I hope you LOVE your very extravagant present. If you don’t receive it soon, just let her know and she will take care of it. You can thank me later.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Dear Nina,
Have you gotten Talia a wedding gift yet? If not, you should. A really expensive one, because she deserves it. I hope you are doing well. How is Justin? Oh, and by the way, when you sign the card, go ahead and add my name.
Thankssomuch, Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
The weather has been really warm lately! I believe that is called an “Indian Summer”. There is nothing wrong with wearing shorts! And there is nothing wrong with going two months without shaving your legs! But when you add the two together, and add sunlight, well… let’s just say I won’t post pictures. However, for future reference, when you jump in the shower, thinking to yourself “I’m going to shave really quickly”- that actually means “Lots of blood. And open cuts that sting when touched by water. And then more blood.” So just maybe, in the future, “quick” and “razor” should not turn up in the same thought pattern.
Thankssomuch, Your New Scabs
Wedding Wrap Up! (Finally!)
So! I’ve been busy, but I will tell you how next time, because today is wedding day! At least, the parts I can currently recall (it gets a little fuzzy towards the end).
Let us have some introductions!
This is my husband Mike. He took all of these pictures with our camera. (Well, not this one.) He also helpfully pointed out that in this picture my eyes look squinty and mismatched in size.
This is Nina. (You will hear her name again.) She, Talia, and I were all good friends in high school. (Which was not that long ago. Maybe a couple of years, tops.)
To my right is Cara. She went to graduate school with Talia. (They is edjucated.) Next to her is Talia’s brother Sonny, who got to stand on the bride’s side, but did not have to tromp through gravel in silver high heels. (Not fair, dude. Not fair.)
The wedding was perfect! The weather was awesome! No children, and an open bar!
So the ceremony went well, in a general weddingy way, until her dad started crying. So of course I start sniffling and snorting and nose-running, and was fully occupied with trying to not end up covered in mascara and watery boogers so that when a bee flew near my cheek, I absently brushed it away. Except that “brushed it away” was more like SMACKED IT DIRECTLY IN TO CARA’S FACE. She was pretty fine with it, except for the part where due to multiple stinging traumas, she is TERRIFIED OF BEES. Which means I was pelting the poor girl with hornets while she was standing in front of a ton of people, a photographer, and a videographer, and therefore could not scream and run away. (Bridal party duties: Nina- hold bridal bouquet, Sonny- read poem, Cara- provide emotional support, Jennifer- fling stinging insects at innocent bystanders.)
So the ceremony was nice, and special and sweet. The reception ROCKED!! The bridesmaids brought the funk. And we weren’t the only ones! Talia’s mom TORE OFF HER CLOTHES to “I Will Survive”! (OK, maybe it was just her jacket, but that’s only because it was still early in the evening.) She is so much fun that I have officially adopted her. (Now that I think about it, I’ll take her dad too. You can never have enough inheritances parents.)
Hi mom and dad!
I may have had a leeetle wine. The tequila probably didn’t help either. Oh, and what is in “Jack Daniels”, exactly? Rum? I would like to state for the record that Nina is a VERY GOOD BAD INFLUENCE on me, which is why I will not totally be showing up on her doorstep very soon.
Who does shots of hard liquor at a wedding, anyway? Oh, that’s right- us.
We were all dancing. I swear. I just look like a fool in this particular picture. (All right, there are many more, but I have my dignity.) (Not really. But I like the way it sounds!)
This is the Speshul Day of Steve and Talia. So where are the posed formal portraits of them? Or any pictures at all? We felt that area was best left to the professionals. That, and Mike was a little lazy with the camera. Oh, I found one of Steve!
Well, the side of his head anyway. But it proves he was there! To the right is the professional. Hopefully his pictures were a little better. (Not that Mike’s were bad. Unless you were the bride or the groom.)
You saw Talia in the armpit picture, so close your eyes and imagine them together. Good job! They looked exactly like that!
‘Mom’ requested the Piano Picture. What might that be? While Talia and Steve were having formal shots taken, some of the bridesmaids were goofing off in another room. Not me, of course.
I was going to drape my whole self across the entire piano, but if you will remember, I have my dignity. (And I ran out of time.)
I am fairly certain I have exceeded some type of length/picture limit here. So let me sum up by saying I HAD SO MUCH FUN!! Talia needs to get married more often. (Of course I’m just joking. Do you know how expensive weddings are these days?!)
Alexander the Great
We are taking (another) short break from the Wild Wedding Wrap Up (With Pictures!) to commemorate today, the ninth of October. This is the birth date of Alexander the Great. No, not the king of Macedonia that conquered the Persian empire in three hundred something b.c. This Alexander the Great did something FAR BRAVER: he married my mother.
He is actually her third husband, the first was my father, the second was… short-lived. But Alex is a keeper! We all love him, especially the twins (“Awex!”). He is smart enough to be able to work for the government (now that is the funniest sentence I have ever written!), is a jazz musician, plays tennis (as does my mother, although I would rather eat a whole bag of Turtle Chex Mix while reading a magazine and therefore do not understand the appeal), is funny and nice and well-traveled. How was she so successful in her mate selection this time? Oh yes, that’s right- I picked him! And she was smart enough to listen to me! And will now live happier ever after! (Unlike some people, who refuse to acknowledge the fact that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, and are therefore destined to live a life of hardship and misery.)
So Happy Birthday, Alex! You are a courageous man, and I salute you! (And for the record, I completely agree with mom when she says her newly emergent menopausal hormones do not affect her outward demeanor. She is JUST AS CRAZY now as she always was.) I hope you have a great day filled with carbohydrates and beer, and just remember that I am your favorite step-daughter, and anytime you want to give me money or gifts, or send me to Europe, just let me know and I will make that sacrifice for you because you are worth it.
*And before I get yelled at by my mother, allow me to clarify that by “crazy” I mean “fun and interesting”, not “crazy” like “the rest of our family”. And by “the rest of our family”, I mean specifically “the ones who do not read my blog”.
Happy Birday Awex!
Okay, NOW I’m just being obnoxious. (And neglecting my children. “Quiet, kids! Mommy is doing IMPORTANT WORK!”)
A lovely armpit, and a lovelier bride.
Okay, I’ll stop. I’m trying not to get carried away. (Now I have two pictures!)
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
I learned how to add pictures! (Of course, I don’t have time to do it now, and I shall NO DOUBT completely forget how to do it tomorrow. And it is an incredibly terrible picture of me. BUT! It is a PICTURE!)
More Matthew. (Because he honestly does talk more than the other three kids added together.)
So the wedding was great! I did not trip and fall during the ceremony, and I’m pretty sure my boob did not pop out to say hi while I was dancing. (But if it did, at least it’s on video!) I actually REMEMBERED to nag my husband to bring the camera, and I am DETERMINED to pester him to post some pictures, although you can see just how well that has worked so far. So although there will more about the wedding in the very near future, we are taking a short break for EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES.
Perhaps in the past I have mentioned that Matthew knows EVERYTHING. (Sewiously. For Weal.) He shared some very little known facts with me this weekend:
-While watching an educational program about rain forest animals, he wondered aloud why they did not show the dolphins. I foolishly ventured that dolphins do not live in South American rain forests, but I was spouting nonsense, because obviously THEY DO. So NOW YOU KNOW.
-While eating a piece of fried chicken, his exact words were “What is this chicken from?” Being of sub-par intelligence, I said “Safeway”. After DRAMATICALLY ROLLING HIS EYES at my stupidity he clarified “No. What animal is this chicken from?” After blinking at him for a moment, I replied “Um… A CHICKEN.” He disbelievingly asked “You mean this was made from a chicken?”, like I was making it up, and wouldn’t you know but I suddenly remembered A VERY IMPORTANT CHORE I had to do. UPSTAIRS. Where I could NO LONGER FRUITLESSLY DISCUSS POULTRY.
-Being a “good mother” (you in the back, stop laughing so loudly) I would never infer that my child is lazy, however frequently at times Matthew, ah, doesn’t feel like doing things. Things like carrying in his water bottle from the car after a soccer game. Since he was not currently holding anything else at the time I asked why, and he informed me VERY SERIOUSLY that he could not carry anything because he has NO OPPOSABLE THUMBS. After glancing at his hands to make sure I was not the crazy one I assured him he did, however, once again, I WAS WRONG. Also, the fact that he did not know what ‘opposable’ meant was completely irrelevant to this conversation.
Now I have to say that while he drives his father crazy, his absolute conviction in his faulty knowledge usually CRACKS ME UP. Because when he is not using his teenagedgirlwithanattitudeproblem sass he shows such enthusiasm whenever he talks! (Although I suppose his back-talking defiance is enthusiastic, just not in a FUNNY way. At least not when it is directed at his mother.) This morning he… (get ready!)… BENT A PAPER CLIP! In case you are unaware, paper clips are metal. So this means he BENT METAL WITH HIS BARE HANDS! Just like the Incredible Hulk! Sadly, his older brother was not very impressed with his feat of strength, but the nice thing about Matthew is that he was so impressed with himself, he didn’t care! (Bare hands, people!)
So in short, he is loud, and opinionated, and likes to ramble long-windedly about things (and using words) that make no sense. Oh, and he drives Mike insane. I don’t know who he reminds me of, but by golly I LIKE HIM!
Beauty and Fashion Volume 2- Fall AND Wedding Edition (I’m trying out this new “multitasking” concept!) (It is TOO new. IS TOO. Why ELSE would I have never done it before?!) (Who just said “laziness”? I heard you!)
So I went shopping for some shirts the other day! (Or “tops”? Does “tops” sound hipper than “shirts”? Do people still use the term “hipper”? So many questions! GOOD THING I am a FASHION EXPERT!) The boutique I visited was so exclusive, I can not tell you its name, because you will KEEL OVER with jealousy. Let’s just say it rhymes with “Charget”. I did not buy any “tops”, however, due to some slight problems this particular boutique was experiencing. Namely, their maternity section had TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE WOMEN’S DEPARTMENT. Every shirt, every dress, even things that I couldn’t tell if they were a shirt or a dress- all skillfully designed to make even a 76 pound twelve-year-old boy look SIX MONTHS PREGNANT. Now I loved looking pregnant when I, um, WAS, but without the fetus? NOT SO MUCH. This trend has been around for several seasons, and I would like to know WHY. Also, I would like to know why now, and not for the five years straight that I actually WAS pregnant. Now I know I am a fashion trailblazer, and am frequently ahead of the trends, if not starting the trends myself, but LET”S NOT GO OVERBOARD HERE. If you hip designers want to copy my style, try something more universally flattering, like booger-encrusted yoga pants. (Are they still yoga pants if you do not actually do yoga? Am I really concerned about that? This expert says “no”.)
So! My friend Talia is getting married, and I am in the wedding! This is exciting news, as it means I get to not only shower, but also shave my armpits! (It is a fancy wedding, after all. Jennifer is going ALL OUT.) The wedding is on Sunday, and everyone else is doing their own hair, and since I procrastinated want to be like the other girls I am doing my own hair too. I have practiced a little, and would like to know: are bobby pins an actual styling tool, or a humorous practical joke? (I am fairly confident I know the answer to that question. And I am not amused.) I am ALSO confident that I am going to look like a supermodel! You know, the kind that are in the magazines, photographed on a lush tropical island. Just like that! If she had been stranded for a week. And her hairstylist had been eaten by mutant lobsters.
The bridesmaids are wearing silver shoes, in part because the bride thinks gold shoes look a little ‘cheap’. And I TOTALLY AGREE. (Of course the fact that I already own silver shoes has nothing to do with my agreeance.) (I’m not sure if “agreeance” is a word, but if it wasn’t, IT IS NOW.) So I figure that if I can find a silver Scrunchie to go with my Bedazzled silver flip-flops, I’ll be good to go!
(That thumping sound was Talia falling over in a dead faint. But that’s good! A bride needs her rest, you know.)
I have been making many preparations for the fancy wedding. Now perhaps you have noticed me, um… “joke” about how I shower once a week. Well, due to my evening collapse in to a coma fatigue I generally only wash my face when I shower, which would be a grand total of once or twice a week. Luckily I was blessed with skin that can take it, except for when it breaks out with zits, which is most of the time. So I thought that for the fancy wedding I would make the EXTRA EFFORT of caring for my skin! I have washed it twice a day, every day, and used several of my creams and serums that five or six days a week are just very expensive bathroom decorations. And I am THRILLED to report that after all of this work, my skin looks the same, except FLAKIER. Which is not precisely the effect I was going for. My “awkward stage” hit me in middle school, so WHY HAS IT NOT YET ENDED?
That is all for now. Maybe possibly I will post a picture of me from the fancy wedding, but don’t get too excited by that prospect, as my technical support adviser has VERY IMPORTANT BUSINESS to attend to. Like soduko. And tweezing errant beard hairs. And Googling ‘laser hair removal’. And downloading songs for his ipod. And that is providing I don’t forget the camera in the first place, which is fairly likely. So it doesn’t sound good, but STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. (Conceived any twins lately?)
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